Tuesday, 24 May 2011

What a way to make a living...

I've written a book! Pass me a pen to sign on the dotted line of my multi-million pound book deal...

Oh, was I daydreaming again? Figures.

I'm a writer with a day job and boy, its challenging at times. Despite the usual perception of marketing being fluffy, my job is quite serious and I have the somewhat grandiose title of Brand Manager. Don't ask me to explain what it is exactly that I do (see previous posts), suffice to say I'm required to be 'on' all of the time.

Not easy when you have a book and all of it's hair-brain characters running around your head.

Sometimes when more 'challenging' members of my team speak to me as though I've just taken a dump on their children on Christmas Day, I can't help but think, What would Katie do?

Lovely Katie, the heroine of my book. Insular, dependable, eager to please...

Hang on, isn't Katie just...me?

As another email pinged into my inbox from my manager (who sits no more than a foot away from me), I sighed and felt the familiar feeling of drifting away into the wonderful world of Book, while I tried desperately to ignore my delightful colleagues.

"Emma, you know that thing I was too lazy to do? Can you do it?"

Emma/Katie: "Of course."

"Emma, you know that situation beyond your control that you had nothing to do with? Well, the shit's hit the fan and I don't want to look stupid so YOU'RE going to take the blame, yeah?"

Emma/Katie: "That's fine. It probably IS my fault anyway."

"Emma, you don't know enough about the industry. Just...know more, okay?"

Emma/Katie: "Sure. Sorry about that."

"Emma, do you remember back in 2006 when-"

Emma/Katie: "I didn't work here then."

"Oh, that's irrelevant, it's your problem because I really don't want it to be mine anymore. So, can you please refer to the two-hundred and seventy-six emails I've just forwarded to you and sort the mess out once and for all?"

Emma/Katie: "No worries."

"Emma, I can't find a stapler. Can you find me one? Emma?.....Emma?"

There comes a time in your working life when you snap. My version of the 'snap' was exchanging Katie with another character from my book.

"Stapler?" I raised my eyebrow. "Do I look like a secretary to you?"


"I mean, is my name Stapler Girl?"

"No, I just-"

"No, it isn't," I said slowly and calmly. "Now, go and find you're own fucking stapler."

Ah, I thought, biting my lip and returning my eyes to my screen.

Thanks Lou. 

One small (childish) victory at a time.


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