Sunday, 14 August 2011

The end of indifference

A few years ago I bought a notepad.

Big deal eh?

However, this wasn't any old notepad - it was the thing I used to document my thoughts and emotions during a really crappy time where I hated my day job.

I was enjoying a day out in Southport with my parents at the time and I seem to remember every question my they asked me was greeted with my usual shrug and breezy "I don't really mind!" response. At the end of the day, my Mum looked at me and uttered the words that still haunt me to this day (and words I've since used to other people), "You're too young to feel this indifferent." She also pointed out that I probably wouldn't be able to name my favourite colour, my favourite food etc. basically anything that required an opinion. She was absolutely right, I couldn't. 

My job had sapped all of my energy and I was mentally and emotionally drained. My work colleagues were a nightmare a lot of the time and I didn't have the energy to see my other friends. So it was basically just Dos and I working crazy hours - like ships that pass in the night. It's funny how you don't realise you're at a low point until someone takes you by the shoulders and gives you a good shake.

The day in Southport was my wake call and I promptly purchased the notepad and a new pen and that evening, when I got home, I wrote a list of all of my favourite things. It took some thought. While I was struggling to think about my favourite colour, I flipped the pad over and opened the book from the back and started to write. It was pure junk just pouring out of my head and I scribbled away furiously.

I did this night after night, documenting my crappy days in work and my militant job hunt until one day I dropped the pad on the floor and grabbed my laptop, opening the Word document I'd been dipping in and out of for more than a year. My attempt at writing a book which I'd abandoned because I thought I was crap. Taking a deep breath, I picked up where I left off and the rest is rather boring history.

Dos and I broke up this year and after locking myself away to get the book finished, I once again found myself feeling...indifferent. I was single for the first time in ten years (so basically single for the first time...ever), my day job was stressful again and my friends had been seriously neglected. So, once again, I picked up my pad and started to write about my favourite things.

Turns out that music really floats my boat these days and I'm making a conscious effort to go to more gigs and my monthly purchase of Classic Rock magazine helps to feed my music trivia obsession. Last night I went to see a Gun N Roses tribute band and discovered a fab new band called Kitty Lips. My first gig alone and I survived. At the risk of sounding cheesy, it's like a new chapter in my life.

I took my notepad out with me today and started scribbling some paragraphs of what I hope will become the follow-up to Driving Exile. It felt really nice, like the start of something great. I know I don't have any control of the future - what will be will be - but I'm hoping my next chapter can be named - Emma Silver PUBLISHED!!! Just putting it out there...

Thanks for joining me on what I hope will be a fun journey ;-)



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