Saturday, 8 October 2011

Fear

Did I start my last blog with the line 'what a week'? Wow, that was a bit premature...

This has been quite a week what with starting the new job and all. It's been tiring but exciting to be doing something new and to be back in PR again.

That aside, the self-indulgent writer in me has been left feeling overwhelmed by everything. So much upheaval for a little person to take in such a short space of time has left me almost ready to bolt for the hills.

The new job has also made me feel melancholy about my book. It's all consuming when you start a new job - your focus has to be with that for a while. It's tough for someone whose focus had drifted away from the day job a while ago to make space for my writing. Now, it feels like writing is just a pipe-dream again and that I need to forget it and focus on what pays the bills. It's like I'm playing around and half-heartedly picking up a pen and paper on occasion or just melodramatically blogging to you guys about how I remain unpublished.

It's like a dream slipping away from me rapidly and I'm desperately trying to claw it back.

Melodrama and self-indulgence are clearly the order of the day but these are the sort of thoughts buzzing around my head.

Due to how busy I've been this week, I've not had the chance to post my book out to any other agents which means it's not out there at all. No one is reading (albeit rejecting) it so it's just sat on my laptop. A pretty little word document serving absolutely no purpose.

In order to try and connect with my old feelings of excitement, I took myself out today for a coffee with my laptop and did some work on Book 2. It was merely a few paragraphs but it made me feel slightly better.

I think I'm just scared of the reality of getting published slipping away from me. I joined an awful lot of clubs and tried various hobbies as a little girl and they completely consumed my life...for five minutes. Then I'd get bored or disheartened I wasn't very good at it and give up. It followed me into adult life and I lost count of how many times Dos would grow frustrated with my 'I can't' and 'I give up' attitude. It culminated about four years ago with me taking a look at my life and coming to the conclusion I had no tangible interests whatsoever. I'd promptly picked up my laptop to get on with writing Driving Exile (as well as invest in some decent trainers so I could take up running - the only sport I ever really enjoyed).

I'm just a bit nervous that Driving Exile is just a phase - another 'moment' in my life that I move on from soon when I inevitably decide I want to be an astronaut or something equally as daft. Just like my cupcake business I wanted to start a couple of years ago (I still have an obscene amount of baking books and cookie cutters in my kitchen). And the coffee van I so passionately wanted to drive around in, serving hot beverages at festivals.

You can probably tell I'm stuck up in my head at the moment. Feeling sad about various things and scared about others. It's the threat and the promise of a new chapter, I suppose.

I'll be posting some more manuscripts out to agents next week. I'll keep doing that until I run out of agents, or until I make that first trip into space.

Em

x

1 comment:

  1. Awwwww..... Emma don't be upset dear! I have also received one rejection letter and have literally heard nothing from rest of the publishers. Now I begin to doubt that have they even received my courier?
    Sometimes I feel that I am waiting for nothing and just wasting my time for an answer which I might never hear from anyone! This is all what I think but not what is definitely going to happen so I am keeping my spirit up.
    So cheer up sweetheart, you have spend 4 years in writing ur first novel and i am sure you have written a master pieces which has to be there on the shelves and I hope it will be. Amen.

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