Tuesday, 8 November 2011
I'm really tired.
Tired to the bone.
I can't even say I've been burning the candle at both ends because that would imply I've been partying like a maniac and I haven't.
All I've been doing is going to work, coming home and writing my book into the night. I've not even been to the gym and that's really not like me at all.
Got a funny feeling (and bear with me here) that I'm sad. Sad about all sorts of things. Sad and stressed.
My new job stresses me out and the dark winter nights make me sad. Randomly enough, even writing makes me sad because I keep finding doubts creeping into my head about whether I'm any good or not. Is the book just really very...weak? I keep looking at copies of Driving Exile sat in a pile in my living room before completely ignoring them and concentrating on hammering out Book 2 instead.
I know I'm not the best writer in the world. Not by a long shot and you can't help but loathe your own inability sometimes. On occasions, I'll be reading a book or a magazine article and I'll come across a word that I realise I've never once written in my life. Then I get angry with myself.
"How can I have never written or even spoken the word effervescent? Am I completely stupid?"
"And what about the expression fait de compli? Or the word consummate?"
God, I'm inarticulate. And the more tired I get, the less I feel like I can string a sentence together.
I haven't even read a book (other than my own) for months.
Now, that makes me feel like an idiot, especially as I profess to be a writer.
I sent another pack of to an agent last week and have already received the receipt postcard I put in with it. Every time I open the door of the flat, I wince in anticipation of it hitting my manuscript and pushing it along the carpet. I had a false alarm today.
My contact lenses had been delivered.
A plus point has been music, and new additions to my life line (i.e. iPod) have been:
1. Frank Zappa - Camarillo Brillo
2. Rush - Working Man
3. Queensryche - Jet City Woman
4. George Thorogood - Who do you love?
5. Paul Butterfield Blues Band - Work Song
Ah, lovely :-) Typing those out has cheered me up.
Come on, Em! Let's do this!